Saturday, June 8, 2013

About time mamacita! You are a good writer and you have lots to share. Looking forward to more.


Comment from my mom may 14 2011.  I last wrote my blog in June.  In July, my world was about to get a lot more complicated.  My mom had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer in late 2009.  I knew, when she told us that it would not end well.  She started chemo in early 2010.  The Dr. told us, sorry it took so long to get this started.  How long did it take?  These are questions I was too scared to ask.  I got pregnant in March.  My mom seemed like she was handling it all fine.  She chopped off her long hair before chemo could get to it, and dyed it a shocking red.  No big surprise, she was always full of spunk, and punk.  

She finished her chemo, and had the mastectomy, and then started the radiation.  Driving herself to San luis Obispo for the appointments.  Saying something about not being able to see well in the fog.  Be careful mom, I would say.  Then one time, driving with her, she almost ran into the other lane.  Mom, what's going on here? I would say.  Should you be driving? She then decided to tell the Dr. about this, and we found out the day before my baby shower that she had two tumors in her brain.  She would have to have brain surgery and gamma knife radiation.  My world was coming down hard around me.  

Then early 2011, she started having more trouble, this time with walking.  She had always had a love of horses, and finally was able to acquire the space next to our house to have horses.  This was cause of great concern of our nosy neighbors.  She had been subject to a sheriff visit on more than one occasion.  Especially as her health was failing.  What I don't get, what I will never get, is how a person can call a sheriff on someone who is sick.  Why not offer a hand? Oh that's right, my mom has five kids.  WE could do it.  Well, I have no idea about horses.  Not the first thing. Neither did my brothers.  While I love horses, to look at, I'm not keen on riding them.  They just scare me.  Plus I was newly a mom.  

So late one night in the rain, my mom was in the coral shoveling muck because of a neighbor complaint.  After that her back didn't feel quite right.  It went downhill fast, and she was barely able to walk by the time she went in for her operation.  After the operation, she went to a rehab facility.  To rehab and hopefully start walking again.  During this time I was subject to more scrutiny.  I should be there more, I should do more, I should I should I should.  My baby was about three months old, and I was told not to go into the place to often because she could pick up something.  The guilt was overwhelming. and I lost a friend over it.  Because I wasn't doing enough.  Also, I was planning a wedding.  

My mom finally came home and thats when the real work started.  She couldn't walk, and so we moved her whole life to the downstairs and me my baby and husband moved in upstairs.  There was years and years of things to go through.  Not to mention, the slow realization that my mom wasn't getting better, she was getting worse.  First, the bedside camode, then the hospital bed, then finally hospice.  I will never ever forget our last months together.  How much she loved my daughter, how much strength she had.  How beautiful her death was.  because it really was.  One of my favorite last memories was sitting next to her as I often did towards the end.  We were chatting about something, her in a blissful haze of morphine,  the ever present pandora in the background, and "Wish you were here" came on the station.  My mom just stopped and sighed. We just listened together. 

Mom, I still wish you were here.  That's never going to go away.  I love you. 

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