Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Celebrate Yourself

"You have such unique beauty, celebrate yourself." This was a comment left on my myspace by an ex friend.  Why ex? Well two months later he called me Shamu.  As in, "Why are you hanging out with Shamu?" That comment stung, but there have been many comments made to me over the years.  The trick is how do we move past these comments and into our own life? Love yourself, celebrate yourself?

Sitting next to my friend in fifth grade comparing thighs, "your thighs are so big, nobody at my school is as big as you."

Hanging out with my friend in High school and her mom says to me, "I'm so fat nothing fits, Kaety, do you have any fat girl dresses?" 

At a party, drunk and at some random people's house acting crazy, "Get out of here you 200 lb Whore."

My weight has been up and it's been way down.  When it was down, I'd get lots of compliments, lots of dates, lots of attention.  So much so that I became a little paralyzed by fear.  The body, not me was being looked at, used, gazed at.  I would get dressed up and then sit in my house unable to leave.  Not wanting to be looked at. 

Then I gained a lot of weight, and I was invisible, not looked at.  It hurt, but I also learned a lot about myself.  I love to write, I wrote poetry and songs, I love music, I hung out with music minded people.  I laughed, I traveled, I got my college degree, I made films all while being overweight.  I related to men on a different level.  I made a lot of male friends.  I lost my fear of the opposite sex. 

Finally I lost some weight, and became a little more desirable.  Men flirted with me.  What? Don't get me wrong, I still had boyfriends, even at my fattest. But, they were friends who got to know me first. 

Where was I going with this?  I'm not even sure right now.  But I think I'm owning this person now.  Who I am.   Am I shamu? Am I a 200 lb whore?  these comments were made by some sad people, and now I'm realizing that maybe they aren't true.  Maybe they never were. 

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