Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Before Sunrise

Before Sunrise....where have you been all my life? I miss the nineties, I miss that age, when life was an adventure and things were new.  and always, romance.

I've had parts of this movie in my life. Glimpses really.  Never anything as perfect as the night that these two beautiful creatures share. 

The meeting on the train, the openness about life, sharing, expressing, that's what our twenties were there for right? 

I've had all nighters, parties or one on ones that lasted all night.  they are wonderful , magical.

the thing is, usually in my life I can't wait until it's over.  If it's a movie, I can't wait until it's over.  If I'm out with friends, I can't wait until it's over.  If it's a book, I always read the last line first.  Magazines, I read backwards.


I hurry through my life for what?  what's the finish line? death?  What's the rush?  How about a beautiful song, a moment to enjoy?

the smell of a summers day in a field of green grass.

That fleeting glimpse of pure happiness.

No, most of the time I'm worried, anxious, wishing I was somewhere else.

I've traveled, and seen other things, I've lived.  I have lived.  This movie reminds me to live.  I love movies like that.

Celebrate Yourself

"You have such unique beauty, celebrate yourself." This was a comment left on my myspace by an ex friend.  Why ex? Well two months later he called me Shamu.  As in, "Why are you hanging out with Shamu?" That comment stung, but there have been many comments made to me over the years.  The trick is how do we move past these comments and into our own life? Love yourself, celebrate yourself?

Sitting next to my friend in fifth grade comparing thighs, "your thighs are so big, nobody at my school is as big as you."

Hanging out with my friend in High school and her mom says to me, "I'm so fat nothing fits, Kaety, do you have any fat girl dresses?" 

At a party, drunk and at some random people's house acting crazy, "Get out of here you 200 lb Whore."

My weight has been up and it's been way down.  When it was down, I'd get lots of compliments, lots of dates, lots of attention.  So much so that I became a little paralyzed by fear.  The body, not me was being looked at, used, gazed at.  I would get dressed up and then sit in my house unable to leave.  Not wanting to be looked at. 

Then I gained a lot of weight, and I was invisible, not looked at.  It hurt, but I also learned a lot about myself.  I love to write, I wrote poetry and songs, I love music, I hung out with music minded people.  I laughed, I traveled, I got my college degree, I made films all while being overweight.  I related to men on a different level.  I made a lot of male friends.  I lost my fear of the opposite sex. 

Finally I lost some weight, and became a little more desirable.  Men flirted with me.  What? Don't get me wrong, I still had boyfriends, even at my fattest. But, they were friends who got to know me first. 

Where was I going with this?  I'm not even sure right now.  But I think I'm owning this person now.  Who I am.   Am I shamu? Am I a 200 lb whore?  these comments were made by some sad people, and now I'm realizing that maybe they aren't true.  Maybe they never were. 

Saturday, June 8, 2013

About time mamacita! You are a good writer and you have lots to share. Looking forward to more.

Comment from my mom may 14 2011.  I last wrote my blog in June.  In July, my world was about to get a lot more complicated.  My mom had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer in late 2009.  I knew, when she told us that it would not end well.  She started chemo in early 2010.  The Dr. told us, sorry it took so long to get this started.  How long did it take?  These are questions I was too scared to ask.  I got pregnant in March.  My mom seemed like she was handling it all fine.  She chopped off her long hair before chemo could get to it, and dyed it a shocking red.  No big surprise, she was always full of spunk, and punk.  

She finished her chemo, and had the mastectomy, and then started the radiation.  Driving herself to San luis Obispo for the appointments.  Saying something about not being able to see well in the fog.  Be careful mom, I would say.  Then one time, driving with her, she almost ran into the other lane.  Mom, what's going on here? I would say.  Should you be driving? She then decided to tell the Dr. about this, and we found out the day before my baby shower that she had two tumors in her brain.  She would have to have brain surgery and gamma knife radiation.  My world was coming down hard around me.  

Then early 2011, she started having more trouble, this time with walking.  She had always had a love of horses, and finally was able to acquire the space next to our house to have horses.  This was cause of great concern of our nosy neighbors.  She had been subject to a sheriff visit on more than one occasion.  Especially as her health was failing.  What I don't get, what I will never get, is how a person can call a sheriff on someone who is sick.  Why not offer a hand? Oh that's right, my mom has five kids.  WE could do it.  Well, I have no idea about horses.  Not the first thing. Neither did my brothers.  While I love horses, to look at, I'm not keen on riding them.  They just scare me.  Plus I was newly a mom.  

So late one night in the rain, my mom was in the coral shoveling muck because of a neighbor complaint.  After that her back didn't feel quite right.  It went downhill fast, and she was barely able to walk by the time she went in for her operation.  After the operation, she went to a rehab facility.  To rehab and hopefully start walking again.  During this time I was subject to more scrutiny.  I should be there more, I should do more, I should I should I should.  My baby was about three months old, and I was told not to go into the place to often because she could pick up something.  The guilt was overwhelming. and I lost a friend over it.  Because I wasn't doing enough.  Also, I was planning a wedding.  

My mom finally came home and thats when the real work started.  She couldn't walk, and so we moved her whole life to the downstairs and me my baby and husband moved in upstairs.  There was years and years of things to go through.  Not to mention, the slow realization that my mom wasn't getting better, she was getting worse.  First, the bedside camode, then the hospital bed, then finally hospice.  I will never ever forget our last months together.  How much she loved my daughter, how much strength she had.  How beautiful her death was.  because it really was.  One of my favorite last memories was sitting next to her as I often did towards the end.  We were chatting about something, her in a blissful haze of morphine,  the ever present pandora in the background, and "Wish you were here" came on the station.  My mom just stopped and sighed. We just listened together. 

Mom, I still wish you were here.  That's never going to go away.  I love you. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

what to do with fruit about to go bad

This week had some hard lessons.  I was needing others to validate something for me that wouldn't.  Some did, and I have some wonderful people in my life.  A lesson worth learning is that some people can't/won't will never be the person you want them to be.  Some people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a life time.  So far, the people that are in my life for a life time are my family and I love them so much.  My brother had a beautiful wedding, and he's really happy.  My mom is eternally optimistic though being tried and tried again.  Love you mommy.
Sometimes you see the relationships in your life and you realize they are not working, yet for the life of you, you dont know how to fix it.  You know that if they saw your side, they would understand, show love show compassion of course they will!  They are your friend.  Nothing bothers me more than when others can't see my side, because I do try to see others sides.  Sometimes you just can't win no matter what you do, and you feel the need to defend yourself.  I just realized that the urge to try and change others opinions or behavior self destructive or not, is futile.  To see that someone you've known for 25 years really secretly doesn't/never? really liked you is a blow, but I don't want to be a victim about it.  there have been signs all along, but I just tried to ignore or see past.  I just couldn't anymore, I had to say how I felt and now the "friendship" is over.  Even though it was already.
The fruit was going bad long ago...but instead of making a cobbler, I threw it against the wall and it's left a stain.  It hurts.
Today I made a cobbler with fruit going bad, and it turned out wonderful.  So this is my lesson today.

put in a glass pan with some oil on bottom.  In fruit, add  cinnamon, earth balance butter, and agave, drizzles.

For the crisp on top:
1 cup oats
1 cup flour
1 cup sweets (brown sugar but I used maple syrup)
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
 1/2 tsp cinnamon
3 tbs soy milk/almond milk

hmmmm I think thats it, mix and pour on top bake at 350 for 45 minutes.  Yummmmmmm
Gratitude is key, love is key.  I'm not perfect, but I want to try and be better.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Polenta Lamenta

Hello out there.  This may be uber quick...not sure.  If there are any punctuation or grammatical errors then that means that I A.  Don't know the rule or B. didn't have time to fix.

I made the ymmiest polenta last night.  I had this package of Bobs red mill corn grits for the last year I think.  I made the cereal once, and didn't like it too much.  Luckily my sister was here the last few days, and we made cornbread and then polenta.... mmmm mmmm good

Tomato sauce: (posted in last blog)

slice roma tomatoes and put face down in pan, cook on low heat until smooshy.  (btw I got this from some master chef show like two years ago)  when smooshy, smoosh down with a potato masher.  simmer simmer add garlic and simmer  add basil leaves olive oil, salt and pepper, and a little agave (I used maple syrup) simmer simmer.

In another pan, sautee shallots, garlic and ...ok tangent.  I washed and salted zucchini in a collander (thanks to annies suggestion otherwise the zucchini lets off too much water) and forgot them otherwise I would have sauteed them too but I just added them later and it was fine.

add corn grits and water bring to a boil and then cover and simmer like rice.

In a glass dish, put oil.  I just read that canola oil is way better for you than olive oil.  I try not to use too much oil in stuff, but it just darnit tastes better when you do.

lay down polenta add some seasoning..I used 21 season salute.  tomato sauce on top, and foil.   bake 350 for 30 min.  Annie added basil leaves and Brewers yeast to the top.  (Brewars yeast is the vegan parmasan cheese sub, but it's dairy free and loaded with B vitamins and protein.)

It was delish!!!

On another note.  This last month there was a shocking accident and one of my neighbors who I loved so much passed away.  On top of that my Step moms mom passed away.  My condolences to the family that lost a beloved father and husband. I can't even imagine how they are dealing with it.  At the funeral, the family was so strong and together and full of so much love.  If you have to go through this, this is how you do it.  I admire them and their courage and strength.  A testiment to their father and husband.  Also, I will miss my step moms mom.  She was the classiest lady I ever knew.  (aside from my mom of course)
It takes things like this to appreciate what we have in life unfortunately.  The world seems to be full of so much sadness, war, grief, negativity and pessimism.  I want to strive to be better.  I want to strive to know that now is all we have.  We can't hold on to the past, and we don't know what will happen in the future.  I want to stop being afraid that every moment, something terrible will happen, because it does happen.  Every second something is happening that breaks people.  How do we still keep strong, have faith, believe, not fall into it?  I admire the people that do/don't.  I want to stop judging so harshly.  Be more calm, aware and peaceful.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Julia's Lasagna, The Young Victoria, and Negativity

These are the things I've been thinking about.  Here we go, first blog.  I decided on quip in the title because thats all I can focus on at the moment.  Small musings about whatever is going on at exactly this second.  I'm trying to write fast because my baby is coming home soon, I think I hear her crying.  She's with Daddy.  It's slightly overcast today, and we are going to have a family day.
I should mention somewhere here that I watch a lot of cooking shows, and love to cook.
So, we'll go in order.  I was watching Julie and Julia the other day and  I thought, "I want to make a blog as well." Then yesterday, flipping through the channels, I found Julia Child.  I decided to watch even though, I try to eat vegan as much as I can, and didn't think it would apply.  She was making this delicious lasagna with white cream sauce and left over poached chicken, mushrooms and other ymms.  My new thing is substitutions so I decided to try it with what I had.  Here's what I came up with: (oh did I tell you I'm gluten, dairy and mostly white sugar free?)/ also I don't do a lot of measurements.  This is what I used, but if I had other ingredients I would have changed it up a bit.  I make a killer tomato sauce, but didn't have tomatoes
rice flour
soy milk
frozen spinach
bottle of spaghetti sauce
brown rice noodles
spices like basil, 21 spice salute from trader joes
butternut squash
package of zucchini and eggplant (frozen from trader joes)
nutritional yeast

Basic white sauce:
brown some rice flour in a pan then add soy milk to thicken up, stir really with a whisk which I don't have so it came out a bit clumpy.

sautee in another pan, chopped garlic, chopped red onion and frozen spinach.
I didn't have lasagna noodles so I used some brown rice corkscrew noodles.

Bake butternut squash with spices and olive oil for a bit over an hour

white sauce, then zucchini and eggplant, more white sauce and sprinkle nutritional yeast
butternut squash, just a few  noodles, white sauce, nutritional yeast
tofu, spinach mixture white sauce a bit of red sauce
most of noodles, rest of white sauce nutritional yeast, then rest of tomato sauce, salt and pepper, bake for a little over an hour.

It was really good, and better the next day, but the noodles were kind of mushy so maybe cook al dente

Killer tomato sauce:

Slice tomatoes in half and simmer for a long long time...when they start to get mushy press down with potato smasher.  Add whole garlic and simmer simmer simmer, put a little agave and rip up fresh basil, simmer....delish!!!!

Ok so I was watching Young Victoria yesterday...the movie is really good.  I saw that Scorsese is a producer but not a director.  Then I looked it up on youtube and saw that Fergie, not of Black Eyed Peas fame, but the other one...conceptualized the film.
I loved the camera work, I loved the costumes...I love love love Emily Blunt.  I really love that time period too.  It reminded me of Age of Innocence with the self consciousness of the story...I don't know quite how to explain it, but there is a way that Scorsese really can draw you in...A match lights, a flicker of a reflection, that reminds you that you are human, reminds you that you are watching humans, and draws you into his character.  This is filmmaking...Otherwise it would be a play.
You may hate me for saying this, but I can't stand Clint Eastwood as a director.  When I watch his films I A: always know what's coming next which bugs me because I want to be suprised.  B: feel as though I'm outside looking in and constantly know I'm watching a film.
I don't want to know I'm watching a film people, I want to be inside of the film.  This movie made me feel I was inside of it.  I knew how Victoria felt, I lived her life.
This is why people who talk in movie theatres are the anti christ.  I don't want to pay $10.00 or however much it is now, to hear you talk you self involved world-revolves-around-you a-hole...I want to disappear.  I want to escape.
anyhow, this film let me do that.

Just a quick note on negativity:  You know the energy zappers?  The people you just feel prickly around like you know they are bad vibing you for some weird reason?  Well I found this website yesterday and it really helps with that.  http://www.life-with-confidence.com/how-to-deal-with-negative-people.html

So, eat some Lasagna...veggie? if you want, and watch this film and other good ones, and put yourself in a white bubble of love, and  I'll be back soon.  I have to go find my baby!!